Am I growing up or falling?

So today I made the decision to deactivate my Facebook. Yeah that thing that I checked like more than 10 times a day, keeping tabs on what was happening in the world and with my “friends”.

Over the years I have been slowly losing friends or drifting apart whatever you call it. It hurts realising we live in a world where friends are not that important anymore unless they can be of use.

And I guess I am no longer of use. No longer valuable to these so called friends, so I went off Facebook. Because if they really need or want me they can contact me on the phone.

I hate this world I’ve come to live in. I hate all this responsibility that I’ve had to take on. I wanna go away for a while and not have to deal with the shit that I deal.

Maybe I’m reaching that breaking point from doing jobs for things I don’t get credit or a thanks for.

This is more of a rant than a thoughtful post. I’m not gonna go on Youtube and show my face. I’d rather be a keyboard warrior in this case.

Because I don’t wanna talk anymore. I hope I can type away like this more often.

Right now I’m feeling a lot of things. I feel lost, broken, alone, depressed, angry and myself and just why? How? Why was I dealt this shit? HOw did I get myself here? Why do I feel like some of my fears are coming true?

No I don’t know what’s going on. Let’s see how I go with the staying away from Facebook thing at the moment.

That I thought I could handle all this attitude is going and here comes the I can’t and I don’t want to. I wish I could bury my head in the sand and just say fuck you all I don’t wanna come out.

Because right now I don’t feel loved or happy. Yeah I know appreciate what I have. This is a first world problem there are others who are far off worse than you.

But I’m still allowed to complain. And if certain people don’t wanna hear it then let it become data on the internet. At I know someone will probably read this, think I’m ridiculous and say some bullshit comment and move on with their day.

First of all fuck you.

Second of all I HOPE you have a very NICE day.

Maybe I’ll post something more later.

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Looooooong road to weight loss

So after many moments thinking I have realised… that it is easier to lose weight if your single.

I think I just got a while bunch of jeez tash DUUUUUHHHSSSS out there haha

I was thinking about it the other day how when i was younger. I wasn’t interested in getting a boyfriend. I just wanted to be healthy and weigh less.

However I know, the way I chose to lose the weight was wrong in a way… I had two proper meals. Breakfast and dinner. Lunch would be two apples and a bottle of water at school. After school I would go on the exercise bike for 30 mins keeping my speed above 30km/hr.    

I lost the weight and then the HSC exams started and I ate more healthy food at home but didn’t exercise… which was my downfall I know that…

And the uni started oh I so wasn’t ready for all those hours on campus and getting home just before 8PM… and then came along the bf who just kept feeding me but I still didn’t exercise….

Now that’s over…… I guess…..

Well at the moment I’m sick… but after this I need to get back on the bike and work out again… otherwise I’ll miss out on summer…

I think I’ll start blogging everyday about it when I start =)

No this isn’t self pity it’s venting and self admission you could say….

Lately I feel as if the only things that i seem to be thinking or saying are just negative… I’m not living up to my name of having hope and being optimistic. Maybe it’s all this stress, fighting, worries, not knowing what’s going to happen in the future or me just being uncertain and not knowing what to do anymore.

I’m loving my job. I really am! If I started hating it now, it would mean I just wasted the last two years on nothing.

But I need more work! I need job security…

I need help of course…

Life in a hectic world

We all know the world we live in its hectic ,erratic and always busy.  And noisy oh man can it be noisy.

Everyone is so busy with their own lives to even stop and help someone on the street.

Yeah we can all hope and pray that one day everything and everyone will change and really start helping other.

Yeah I admit to being too busy in my own self pity world about my own issues to see people are hurting and suffering.

I don’t know if they even want to tell anyone…

But from today I’m losing this stupid self pity bullshit.

I wanna be there for those people and support them as much as I

can.

I’m

here

to

talk

to

let

all

these

emotions

thoughts

and

feelings

that

are

kept

inside.

For

all

those

that

know

me

know

that

I

don’t

care

what

the

issue

is,I

won’t

judge

of

laugh

on

your face

or

ridicule

you…

Remember

someone

always

care

s

what

‘s

going

on

in

your

life

and

always

will.

Studying

mental

health

nursing

had

made

me

realise

already

how

many

people

are

affected

by

this

hectic self caring and self pitying world we live on…..

1 in 5 will be affected by some form of mental disorder but not many people want to talk about these issues.

We’ve all been stressed, depressed, angry and just lost.

And I commend those people out there working to help everyone out there to speak up about issues that no one wants to talk about!

I hope to join you in the coming years to help and support.

=)

It’s only because my head is aching and I drank something I should not have

So after falling asleep at 330AM and then being awoken several times after 715AM my head hurts a lil. Only a lil not too much… And I only feel lil dizzy just a lil not enough to cause problems xP

So I’m sitting on the train heading to the city and this person in front looks like an old friend of mine, but I won’t go up and ask if it is cos you know my head aches right now so not really in the socialising mood and I’m too lazy but the main excuse is my head hurts.

Its pretty quiet on the train, but then again it’s off peak xD

Woah really tall giant man just sat next to me. xD Makes me feel short Haha

Just passed Ashfield ….. My pulse is increasing slightly… This whole lawyer thing is making me slightly nervous…. And my knee is aching >•< Ah man I still feel sleepy xP

Need to stay awake Tashii no sleeping! (You did that on the bus :P)

I feel cold this stupid train isn't warm enough -_-"

Now I'm just writing random thoughts haha xP

Oooh Redfern! I'm nearly at Central! Hooray 🙂 and then I gotta zip to Castlereagh :/

Come on Tashii you can do this!

There are so many things that are going through my head right now. But I don’t think it would be a good idea for me to write all of them in here. It might just might cause me some issues.  So i’ll just write about the first thing that pops in my head. ( So this is just a warning because the topic may change several times on here haha xD)

I’ve been feeling ever so restrained since I turned 19. You would think that I would gain a bit more freedom from my parents since I’m a year older and all, but it’s quite the opposite. Seriously. COMPLETE OPPOSITE.

Last year was such an epic year!~

I was able to go out pretty much whenever I wanted and got through Uni well (didn’t fail anything) and I was happy.

But this year. It’s gone all sour.

I’ve been stressing so much this year since my birthday. So much stress and it’s really not having a good effect on me either…

Constantly feeling tired, appetite is so temperamental and comes and goes within a millisecond, feeling more sadder more often and I can’t help it.

It’s affecting me I know that hahah My hair has fallen out sooo soo soo much I just feel like gettin all of it cut off now =.= It’s thinned out soo much.

I promised a friend of mine that I would be more careful of myself and “protect myself from me”

Hah. I seem to be doing a real good job about it too.

I can’t help how I feel at the moment either. Right at this moment I feel like crying because I feel like everything good in my life is disappearing.

I dunno what’s happening with this post….

I wish I could react more normally to things. Everything has changed! Like everything!

I can’t help but feel alone sometimes….

Everyone else seems to be getting closer to each except me. I’m left on the outside… Feels really depressing….

What can I do to get rid of this feeling?????!!!!!

 

 

Today I feel like going to the park and lying on the grass. Music in my ears and just watch the skyy and just feel like drifting along with the clouds. Just to feel some kind of peace. But then I remember than I can’t really leave the house….

 

I’m standing here watching everyone else getting all this freedom to go out whenever, hang with their friends whenever and here I am, being more constricted and closed in… It’s like I’m in multiple cages and can only look outside but not feel it.

Rant #00000000000000000000

I can never think of titles for my posts. I guess I suck at summing stuff up huh?

I’m in a mood and thought process that I thought I would never be in. Because I have never acted in a manner to make it seem that I am a bad person.

So lately I started giving society more credit which now I think I should take back. Again I’ve had to re-learn that giving society a chance to redeem itself was a mistake. Society is still the same judgemental bitch who I always hated but still cared for because that’s how I am . (and well considering my career choice will still be doing so but hey that’s the kinda person I am and not what some people think.)

I was wrong when I thought that society is finally learning to be less judgemental and more accepting.

Who am I kidding?!

Nothing  has changed!

It’s still the same judgmental bitch who doesn’t give a shit about a person’s feelings only labelling and accusing of actions which weren’t even committed!

Society doesn’t care.

In so many situations I’ve witnessed it myself. Society doesn’t care.

All this judging and labelling and criticism..!

As the years have gone by I’ve met so many many many many wonderful people who were so caring that they gave up so much to take care of others.

In a way it gave me hope that I could be who I wanted to be and everything would be fine.

But oh how I was wrong.

For a person who rarely tries to cause negative disruptions and tries to avoid conflict and pessimism as much as possible, it seems that some people around me would rather cause me conflict.

Some admitted to only doing it so I would react..

Well now they know haha.

I just feel empty now. I feel like a void, like a dark cloud just came over me.

So:

Dear Society,

I think you need to do something about your attitude. Your behaviour. Just you in general. Because of you the world has lost so many wonderful people who could have made a great difference in this world. I do not think you understand that it’s your fault.

Hope you rot,

Tasha

Yes I do have an evil side but then again who doesn’t?

I laugh at a lot of things and as  some people know to laugh I “stir the pot”  aha

So Today was domesticated day (Like it isn’t everyday)  in which I spent cooking and washing stuff ha ha XD

Cooking is awesome, always fun hehe =)

And more washing done! YAY ^_^

SO back to what I was saying before… I like laughing but seriously who doesn’t?

One thing I find Hilarious is how my dear awesome LOVING friends start to hate my ex’s, (well most of my friends hate them hahah) its funny as!

Like my recent one and all and I highly doubt they will read this LOL

Or my previous one LMFAO

I can’t help but laugh at the comment made by some of them over it haha XD

But they’re Exes for a reason XD

——————————————————————————————————————–

On to a brighter note (LOL)

I receive ALL my results now and I’m happy with what I got ^_^

But yeah

I don’t think it’s still dawned me yet that I have finished school and will be going to University soon (yeah mentality seems slow?)

Another chapter for all of us now huh ?