Discipline

I realise that I don’t have that much discipline in anything. Or a routine… I just can’t seem to stick to things for a long time.

When I was younger we were constantly moving houses. My dad didn’t like to stay in one place for long. Or there were complications regarding money and other things I found out later on. I didn’t mind it at first but then after that it was really irritating. I remember some of the places. At least he didn’t venture out too far in terms of moving to places. When I was younger I would make the effort to make friends. But after a while I stopped because I saw no point.

Okay let’s not go into my life Psychology studies eh?

Any who… I think it has had an influence. But I keep trying and that’s all that matter. Here’s some random examples of discipline or routine that I don’t follow

I don’t like dieting I’ve realised. I don’t like being caged and deprived of things, I think I feel worse at that point. I don’t know how some people can continue on for like several years on the same diet.

FItness regime! OMG I suck at sticking to it. I can’t stick to it. Repetition isn’t my thing. No I’m just lazy ahahah.

I know that myself. That I am lazy and need to work harder and have more motivation.

So I shall keep trying

Things I’ve learnt about 21

Before I turned 21 I had this huge “breakdown” I questioned what I had done with my life. Where I was in my life. What I have as accomplishments after living for more than 20 years. I felt like I had done nothing. No car. Nothing to my name. I felt like a drifter and a failure. I felt like that I didn’t have any life experiences.

I felt like my friends were ahead of me in life experience. While I was left all alone. That feeling was so horrible. Although I had finished uni. Just awaiting graduation. NO licence either. Oh my it was horrid. I cried and became depressed and angry and just in total utter anguish.

Sound like a real drama queen right?

But then my mum had a word and told me that look you have finished Uni, You’ll get your licence soon and then you will be working. That makes you ahead of quite a few people already.

SO I did realise that she was right. I did end up getting my licence before my graduation. I got up on that stage and got my certificate. And then I started working as a registered nurse after getting my registration in January.

Now I have friends who are turning 21 now as well and they’re going through the same thing I went through. They start comparing their levels of experience to other people. Comparing how they have made their mark in the world compared to others.

And I’ve told them the same thing. There is no level or mark that one is supposed to be at once they reach 21 or at any age. Sure society has expectations at where one should be in their life at a point. But that doesn’t always apply to everyone. You have managed to spend another year on the planet. Congratulations!! You’re legal everywhere now HOORAAAAAYY.

That’s what you should be thinking. Not how much have I done? You just go by your goals and what you want not others. So you’ve studied but your friends have jobs? SO? Your friends are probably wishing that they went to study first because they feel underqualified .

Just celebrate your life. Accomplishments will come when they come after you work hard ;D

Here again

Yeah sometimes it feels like I just come in to vent sometimes… Other times it’s because I feel nostalgic or sad.

I realised I’ve become way too busy and should go back to writing my thoughts down like before. I mean I have this app on many platforms so why not eh?

This post is venting (yay!)

It’s one of those days where I feel unappreciated by my own family (boo goo you’re not the only one out there) which I am well aware of. But that doesn’t mean that I can’t vent right?

Those people out there that know me in real life know my stories and my past and I know that there are others out there who have it a lot worse than I do and that there are others saying I should be thankful. But when you’re that person that everyone relies on constantly as the pillar of strength, the one that negotiates, mediates and problems solves every issue, disturbance and fight…. You reach a point where you start burning out. Where you don’t give a fuck anymore about helping everyone else. Or where you just want a break and not have to think about all that.

Oh but then you get called selfish and heartless and mean and why are you stressed? Why are you angry? We haven’t done anything wrong! How can you turn around and act like that?!

You want to know how? The constant pressure to keep everything calm and working so nothing happens. The responsibilities that you have to keep and attend to because no one else will.

I love you but fuck you.seriously.

Because.

I’m allowed to complain once in a while. Yeah I am proud (more like relieved) that I’ve been able to keep the household running. I’m 22 and I’m doing the job of parents. I pay for all the bills and food and rent as well. But. I.do.not.appreciate being told I’m not allowed. That I don’t spend enough time with you guys.

I woke full time as well. I’m the only one that does. So excuse me if I would like some time to be with the boyfriend or you know the small number of friends I have left.

This year has been horrible already. I regret doing a lot of stupid shit at the beginning of this year. Which lead to a lot of shit happening. Even a short visit to emergency .

I’m sick of having to sacrifice and be the good guy. For a little while you’ll see the bitch you woke up. Just because you became selfish.

Hey I know some of this was my own fault for being too nice but come on! Really?

Gggaaaaahhhh!!!!

Am I growing up or falling?

So today I made the decision to deactivate my Facebook. Yeah that thing that I checked like more than 10 times a day, keeping tabs on what was happening in the world and with my “friends”.

Over the years I have been slowly losing friends or drifting apart whatever you call it. It hurts realising we live in a world where friends are not that important anymore unless they can be of use.

And I guess I am no longer of use. No longer valuable to these so called friends, so I went off Facebook. Because if they really need or want me they can contact me on the phone.

I hate this world I’ve come to live in. I hate all this responsibility that I’ve had to take on. I wanna go away for a while and not have to deal with the shit that I deal.

Maybe I’m reaching that breaking point from doing jobs for things I don’t get credit or a thanks for.

This is more of a rant than a thoughtful post. I’m not gonna go on Youtube and show my face. I’d rather be a keyboard warrior in this case.

Because I don’t wanna talk anymore. I hope I can type away like this more often.

Right now I’m feeling a lot of things. I feel lost, broken, alone, depressed, angry and myself and just why? How? Why was I dealt this shit? HOw did I get myself here? Why do I feel like some of my fears are coming true?

No I don’t know what’s going on. Let’s see how I go with the staying away from Facebook thing at the moment.

That I thought I could handle all this attitude is going and here comes the I can’t and I don’t want to. I wish I could bury my head in the sand and just say fuck you all I don’t wanna come out.

Because right now I don’t feel loved or happy. Yeah I know appreciate what I have. This is a first world problem there are others who are far off worse than you.

But I’m still allowed to complain. And if certain people don’t wanna hear it then let it become data on the internet. At I know someone will probably read this, think I’m ridiculous and say some bullshit comment and move on with their day.

First of all fuck you.

Second of all I HOPE you have a very NICE day.

Maybe I’ll post something more later.

Keeping Tabs

So 21st is on it’s way… 

But I don’t think I will feel it.

Why should I? I still feel like I’m seen as a 16 year old girl. 

Having to still tell mum where I’m going and what I’m going to do.

Hang out I thought I was an adult now? That I could do things on my own? I don’t get it?  Why should I act like an adult if I still have to report when I got to work or when I’m going to do something?

 

I know the worried parent who worries about their child and wants to make sure that they are safe and not in any trouble. 

 

BUT.

 

I don’t feel like I will reach adulthood because of this experience. 

R.I.P to those in the Newtown shooting

All over the news all one can see is the Newtown school shooting. It’s so heartbreaking to see and hear about all those children that were shot. I hope then didn’t suffer any pain.

There are soo many questions concerning this tragedy:
– Why did the shooter do this?
– Was he thinking straight?
– Did he just snap?
– How did he get in the school?
– Why shoot the children?
– How did he acquire the guns?

From what I’ve heard and read.. they said he was a good kid.. he’s the same age as me… it kinda freaks me out..

I just wanna know why he did this? Why would you shoot children?

This all comes back to gun and weapons.. these days you cam easily get a gun or any other weapons off the streets!!

This isn’t the first time something like this has happened.

HOW LONG IS IT GOING TO TAKE PEOPLE TO REALISE HOW DANGEROUS GUNS ARE!!

This isn’t one of those situations where if the school had weapons that people would not have died. People still would have died…

You know what I found freaky? Hearing that this shooter came into the nurses office but didn’t shoot her. Why not?

And all those poor children who had to witness all that… I how they will be able to move on with their lives without any traumatic issues.

And the utmost respect for the Principals and Teachers who protected those children to the best of their ability.

Rest In Peace to all those that died on this day.

I hope all those that are left here will also be able to recover.

Loss in confidence

I really don’t know what’s wrong with me these days. The strong confident me is gone. The one who knew what she wanted. Doesn’t get nervous is happy and smart and weird and confident is gone.

Today I realised how much I’ve gone within myself.

I feel like I can’t do anything right

I feel like giving up now I feel horrible and stressed and just upset.

And I don’t feel like I can talk to anyone about this! Because everyone else has their own problems and I don’t need to make things worse for them. I’m just putting myself down in front of them anyways.

Oh so Heartbroken right now </3

My world a standstill

Some days I feel like everyone is doing something in their lives and are productive socially , financially and practically.

I feel like my life is a standstill. I don’t have much going for me. Everyone is free when I’m working or have assignments or on placement.

Yeah yeah I may nearly be finished with my degree but I’m not quite there yet. There’s a lot I haven’t done. A lot I need to do. And a lot I want to do.

But I feel like I’m stuck and I can’t do any of it.

I’m trying to make plans to get stuff sorted and even then no avail.

How the hell do I get out of this ??